Somehow, my life went by in a flash and now I find I am an old man. This realization has caused me to contemplate what role seemingly useless old men - or more specifically, I – am supposed to play. The truest bit of wisdom I discovered in this journey of introspection was that being old is a lot different than not being old. To clarify, I planned for retirement and, in fact, now have a comfortable living. But when I was planning for retirement I pictured myself as I looked and felt at – say – 40. I could see myself full of vim and vigor and enjoying complete leisure. But now that I’m old enough to be retired, I feel – well – old. A big disappointment.
A poignant question to consider is “Why do old men exist?” What good are we? The answer came to me one night, as I got up in the middle of darkness, following the night light into the bathroom.
Old farts are dispensable and that’s our reason for existence. Our uselessness is directly tied to getting up so frequently in the night. Think of hunter-gatherer tribes of 15,000 years ago. Imagine, at night while everyone was sleeping soundly under a woolly mammoth hide, the old guy has to take a leak. He gets up and stumbles out to the woods. If there are monsters or rival tribes lurking out there he is the first to discover them. He screams and wakes the others before being dispensed with. His family and friends are saved because he had to take a piss. His offspring form the next generation. Thus evolution favored the genetics of old guys who had to take a leak in the middle of the night. He’s already passed on his sperm and the less old guys are still screwing. He’s not needed anymore. What the hell, Mother Nature says; the more often he has to get up, the better.
So now that we understand why we old farts exist, it seems reasonable to explore some of the predicaments of old age for guys like us. I originally entitled my blog “For Old Farts,” but then I pictured myself reading the blog with that title in polite society and decided that something more acceptable might sell better. Besides there may be a couple of people in the world who wouldn’t categorize me so. Thinking of the legacy that I want to leave my offspring and their offspring it seemed more prudent to find a suitable alternative. But keep in mind; the real title is “For Old Farts.”
Another possibility for a title would be a complete camouflage job like “Finding your Spiritual Being with an Enlarged Prostate” but even that seemed an affectation. It might appeal to the “new agers,” but there aren’t many of that crowd among old farts. Besides do women speak of ovaries and uteri? Well, maybe they do, but that doesn’t mean we have to follow their lead. After considerable contemplation, a reasonable choice seemed to be, “For the Older Gentleman.” Surely that can’t be offensive and may have enough panache attract attention here and there. I also figure there won’t be much competition. Most old farts are too demented to be able to write. It’s sort of analogous to writing a blog entitled “My Struggles with Illiteracy.” Of course, some of us are demented enough to think we can write. Modesty has never been one of my sins.
And talking about writing, I, herein, often make sweeping social generalizations. I think such is necessary to convey thoughts and have a discussion. There are, of course, many exceptions and counter-examples to any generalization and my pronouncements are not presented as universal truths. So don’t challenge me by asking, “What about…?” My word is indisputable. It’s my blog.
© 2014 Lester C. Welch
Ok, I must say this is a little bit negative. I am sure if you think about it old men are useful, one example comes to mind if it wasn't for old men who would old women have to yell at!!!!!!!!!
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