“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ― George Bernard Shaw,

My wife is taking part in a church sponsored workshop about "Non-Violent Communication."  This sparked a discussion between us.  It strikes me that one must consider not only what you say, but where you say it. 

To prove my point, suppose you say, “That’s a lovely shade of lipstick you’re wearing.”  If you’re speaking to your niece at her wedding you’ll get a very different response than if you’re talking to the roughest looking dude at a biker bar. What is considered as “non-violent” in one milieu can be very provocative in another, so the greater skill is recognizing the milieu.

My wife and I have developed a mode of communication that I think is a bit abnormal – but it works for us.  We will raise our voices and appear to be angry when we’re really venting our frustrations.  We each recognize this pattern and know – as has happened many times in the past – that there is no great significance in our interaction.  Paradoxically, it’s not personal.  All will be smooth in a couple of hours.  However, other fringe family members and friends who hear the interaction fully expect to be called to the stand in a divorce hearing.

This mode is something I had to learn (to survive).  It was not the way my parents communicated (if, indeed, they did).  I attribute this mode to the fact that my wife was raised with only sisters (no brothers) and women - especially sisters - communicate differently than the rest of the universe. 

As an aside, I’ve seen the lot of them (5 now) when planning an evening out together, play ploys that would put Machiavelli to shame.  “I’m allergic to anything other than Italian!”  I’ve had Italian every night for the last 8 months!” They eventually do Chinese and have a great time.

So my wife has had to learn verbal scrapping at an extreme level and she used the skilled techniques on me.  I had to learn to swim or sink.

But, we do it very well.  We know we’re just blowing off steam.  I’m really anxious to see if “non-violent communication” makes the slightest dent in her approach to me.  I hope not.  I can handle the current mode.

© 2015 Lester C. Welch